So the good news is that I'm 100% infection free, which is always nice. The other good news is that the level of cervical cancer that my innerworkings and I are now experiencing is much better than it was in 2005, but worse than it was in 2006. I'll take that. Middle of the road is okay.
I had three cervical biopsies yesterday, and underwent the the mother of all scrapings when the doctor took a pointy metal hook thing and actually scraped a few chunks from the inside and top of my cervix (hint: that hole that only a baby is supposed to touch and the part that is inside my uterus) because she is concerned that the cancer is spreading deeper and deeper into my lady parts. I'll get the results in 1 week to 10 years. All right, a month. I should have some word in a month.
The colposcopy and biopsy were less painful than they have been in the past, but by no means comfortable. When I walked in the room and saw all the instruments and solutions and pastes and packing materials, I panicked a bit. That's never good, because when I panic I fart. Luckily the doctor had an emergency phone call and the air cleared long before she had to stick her face down there. Picture me in a tanktop and socks (I always bring clean socks to a GYN appointment) airing out the room with the paper sheet that is supposed to offer me a feeling of privacy while someone is digging out the old Erie Canal and talking to me about the weather and my job. That's what I call Classy with a capital C. And triple X Sexxxy. So hot.
I feel kind of crappy now. My cervix hurts the way it does when you dialate in labor, without the uterine contractions. Every once in awhile I get cramps, but it's manageable. Sucks that I can't take any painkillers because of Friday's sinus and eye surgery.
Truth be told, I'm okay with the cancer spreading upwards, I don't plan to have any more children and I wouldn't complain too loudly if I had to have a hysterectomy somewhere down the road. No more periods? Where do I sign up? I was really worried that the cancer was spreading down into my vagina because of the stabbyburnyraw feelings I've been having down there. Unlike my uterus, I use my girl. A lot.
Because I don't have any infections, and there are no cancerous lesions or spots in my vagina, and because I have been diagnosed with fibromyalgia, and have some rheumatism problems, and because of the way that my hips are put together with my knees (Pattelo-femoral Syndrome, got that too) are causing problems for my pelvis, coupled with the osteoarthritis, my gyn thinks I may have Vulvodynia and is sending me to a specialist to check it out.
Bottom line- I have arthritic and nerve pains in my goddamned pussy. Kill me now.